Diary of a Self Proclaimed Beauty Queen

3

As I sit here writing this naked, my clothes fell off sometime ago. Most likely last night when I was drinking beer and smoking that cheap cigar. I hadn’t been drinking and I don’t smoke unless I drink. I’d promised myself a million times I wouldn’t drink, yet I did. I’m a little sad that I did but I feel content that I didn’t drink liquor, which is a spirit I certainly cant handle!

I’m learning the meaning of what recovery is? Am I recovering or have I just chosen to partake in my vices when it suits me? I don’t ever want to come off as unauthentic or be a hypocrite. I know the way out, yet maybe I’ve chosen to stay here a little longer.

I was just having a conversation with myself in the mirror. There are TWO things and ONLY two things I know for sure. I know I am successful and it will be. I’ve known this since I was like seven years old. It’s not human, it’s surely something supernatural and I know I’m beautiful. Beauty coming from within to shine outwardly, through my soul to my glamour.

Everything else I am is just a human, a flawed human. Someone who has great knowledge, the gift of intellect, spiritual intuition and just plain common sense. Although I make a lot of decisions that would have people screaming the opposite.

I’m not a guru, I don’t ever want to be seen like that. I’m just a woman, an artist, a free thinking spirit that speaks, creates and is only trying to navigate through this earthly realm. Just here trying to make the best of it, still failing, still overcoming challenges so many of us face. Yet still succeeding, refusing to give up on the dream.

The dream of my ideal life, following my heart living in luxurious beauty. Helping others through helping myself, showing the raw vulnerability and flaws I so possess. Our demons can either haunt us or enlighten us. I know my angels are where my heart lives yet my fingers flutter after the darkness.

Addiction, is what so many say. I’m still trying to understand what it’s all about, what it entails, where this road leads. My demons are starving, so the weight loss makes me happy. Happy because being sexy is really important to me.

Yet I partake in such unsexy things, unsexy ways. Surely I look sexy doing it, who knows? These are just words, just a girl writing through her soul. My abstract mind is creating everything I’ve ever wanted and with that I accept the reality of this place. This physical dimension.

In this moment, I will be still to know that everything is taken care of, every dream fulfilled.

Unconditionally,

Holly Ann Kurt

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4 thoughts on “Diary of a Self Proclaimed Beauty Queen

  1. Typically I have something intensely deep to say about a post, but I was just so blown away with what you wrote I’m either going to have to digest it or read it all over again. This is so incredibly introspective and deep. Thanks for sharing. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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