I just want to talk more about my decision to live a life of celibacy. I’m not going to say forever because that would be unfair to myself. But, I will say it will be a long time before I feel comfortable being intimate with anyone. It’s so crazy how I now feel so free, so free to be myself. So free to identify with my body and learn how to have a healthy body image beyond sex.
This doesn’t mean I still wont find comfort in being sexy or sensual, it just means I won’t be doing that for anyone except for myself. I’ve had a really long road in regards to sex and being a call girl, escort and video cam girl. Yet even if I hadn’t gone through that, I’d still be taking this path. Because even when I’ve tried to genuinely date it felt all the same, I just wasn’t getting paid.
It wasn’t real, it wasn’t emotional, it wasn’t anything other than myself floating to the ceiling watching my body do things that my mind wasn’t. Although as I have come to this conclusion and made this decision over the past few months, I know it’s not based solely on anyone else or what anyone has done to me. It’s purely for me, for the betterment of my soul. So I can focus on who I am, what I want, my dreams, my vision, my goals.
So dating and sex are out the window. I feel so much happiness saying this. Like I’ve finally found my voice. Everything is so wrapped in up sex with so many people. Yet it doesn’t have to be that way, I find it causes negative experiences with someone always getting hurt when it’s not done in a exclusive, loving way.
I’ve played the part of sex kitten, performed for my clients and it didn’t do anything except leave me feeling empty and emotionless. I have so much empathy for anyone that works or has worked in the sex industry. Because, it takes a lot of self sacrifice to continually sell your soul and body for something that truly has no value in spiritual terms.
I’m still healing from my past actions, letting go of the baggage that has followed me from the things I’ve done. Yet I have no shame nor guilt about anything that’s happened. I’ve chosen celibacy for myself, to transform to a new way. I fell into that hole of what it means to sell yourself. Yet now I understand why so many say sex is a sacred union.
I’ve asserted my power and my will. Now I shall live by my words and enjoy the benefits of a new way of being. You can too, whether you want to remain celibate for a year or the rest of your life. There is power in holding yourself sacred. Flying free in the conviction of what it means to be born again. Revering my truth to be authentic, valued and bold.