This is a tough subject to write about for me and I’m sure for many others. Sex can still be so taboo in our society which seems ironic since the media and pop culture has learned that sex sells anything from skin products to hamburgers and utilizes to their benefit. Sex really is a beautiful union between two people and it’s so much more than a physical interaction. It’s truly a spiritual bonding of two souls coming together as one entity.
Sex for me although has always caused pain and endless heartache. Obviously because I’m not doing it the right way with the right man. I can truly only speak for myself and what I’ve been through. I’ve had sex with a lot of men for a little bit of love, looking to fill the void within my soul that aches for true acceptance.
We all want to be desired and thought of as attractive, someone to truly be intimate with. Yet I went about it in all the wrong ways, which brings a lot of tears and emotions to surface. I understand this and I’m letting go of all the suffering I’ve perpetuated unto myself through my actions and putting myself into unfortunate situations.
I didn’t respect myself, I didn’t know how to value myself through something other than my outer beauty. All I knew is that men really liked and responded to the way I looked. I’m transgendered and growing up feeling the complete opposite of beautiful, being teased and treated as an outcast and complete invalid. To then turn around transition and become the beautiful swan. That journey took it’s toll, I experienced one extreme to then experience the other extreme. To have no attention from my peers then to have all the attention I’d always dreamed of.
That kind of change can make anyone forsake what one would call morality. What are morals? Morals are also perception and subjective, but I never truly wanted to be with so many men, I only wanted to be loved. Hoping that the one I was laying with would truly love me and accept me for who I am. A man that wouldn’t leave me, leave me feeling completely empty and vulnerable.
The thoughts in my head, pleading with God, “Oh please don’t let him leave me too!”. I wanted more than anything to be seen, seen beyond my past. Seen beyond the novelty of my looks, seen past my uniqueness. Yet I realize now I have refused to see myself, to see myself as a person, a woman as someone who is validated and valued far beyond anything my body could ever offer.
I think a lot of women go through things very similar to this, and as a transgendered woman we are often put in even more vulnerable situations because the culture we have grown up in has taught our peers to not value us. We are not seen as humans, just as sex objects, something a man sees from a pornography website. A hooker for hire, this is what we are seen as. Not as a woman, not as a person but as an invalid.
How the men come to want to explore the fantasy of what you are but refusing to comprehend and have the compassion to understand this your reality. This is not some fantasy on a computer screen. This is our life, these our the lives of people who matter and people who WILL stand up. This is for ALL women, transgendered, black, white, large, thin. Regardless of religion or spiritual background.
We have the right and authority to exert our bodies in a way that expresses our sexual identity without being shamed, bullied and devalued. For me personally I have been there. I know the suffering that allowing yourself to be used and treated as nothing other than a vehicle of carnal pleasure brings.
It most certainly isn’t an act of love, for love has compassion and empathy. A fleeting moment is nothing other than a satisfaction of ego. I won’t do it anymore, I will not partake nor put myself in a situation that makes me feel less of a woman. Less of human, less of a person who deserves dignity and respect.
So for now and for an undetermined amount of time I’ve chosen to be and will remain celibate. Celibate to get to know myself, to truly understand my value beyond sex. To nurture and cultivate the parts of my soul and spirit that deserve the attention that I was giving to pursuits that only brought wretchedness into my life.
You don’t have to allow someone the authority of your body, it’s your God given gift. It’s your temple, only bring the most loving to worship at your shrine.